Happy Valentine's Day

By Keith Fisher

What did you come up with? Every year, I see men stalking the stores at five or six p.m. They all have vacant expressions on their face. Their eyes darting back and forth in fear, because they know what will happen if they show up at home with nothing.

What about that guy who forgot about the day? After all, it’s been a very stressful year, and he had a lot on his mind. He comes home, parks the car, he gets angry because his son has forgotten to put his bike away. He goes into the house where his wife greets him at the door with a hug and kiss. He smiles. It sure is nice to be married.

She leads him into the dining room and tells him the kids are at Grandma’s. He looks at the table and realizes there is something special, going on here. He casts his eyes about the room, hoping for some sign, a clue that would tell him what he has forgotten.

He doesn’t wonder long, though, because she deposits a happy Valentines Day greeting card on his plate. Realization dawns and he knows he has entered the indifferent husband zone. He is trapped. There is no way to save him now. No matter what pathetic excuse he tries, he will never get out of the house to buy something.

And the sad part is he will never forget again. She won’t let him forget the day he proved he was an insensitive, boorish, workaholic. (Why did she marry him anyway?) But, he will also remember the holidays and birthdays, anniversaries, and every semi-significant day. He won’t dare forget. He will be a changed man, but it won’t matter. He can’t erase the stain of a forgotten gift.

So guys, It’s Saturday morning. It’s Valentines Day. You have the whole day to get out there and find that special gift. Don’t know what to get? Ask your daughter. Resist the temptation to have her shop for you. Daughters have a tendency toward loyalty to moms. The point is, get out there now! Don’t delay, and spend a little extra money. It’ll make you feel better, and help the economy in the process.

And to all those who never forget, those bastions of romantic fidelity. To the plotters and planners, those guys that would never forget, could never forget I say, good job. But, you are giving the rest of us a bad name. I have devised a solution. Each one of you must volunteer to be a personal shopper for at least two men who always forget. It will be your job to anticipate and provide them with a thoughtful, well planned gift that will delight his wife or significant other.

In return, the rest of us will solute you in our secret, all male, testimonial dinner. You will be kings for the day and receive the ultimate compliment, The manly grunt of approval.

I know this post doesn’t have anything to with writing, but we have a national emergency here. Oh. and by the way, any of you lovely ladies who would like to join our society of forgettors, you are surly welcome

Good luck with your writing—see you next week.